By Jennifer Wolfe-Hagstrom, LICSW
Self-care: we know we need to practice it, we are sometimes annoyed by it, and when we need it most, it’s often the first thing to fall off our to-do list.
As I’m preparing for the birth of our first child, trying to manage preparing clients and the business before my maternity leave, all while dealing with the spontaneous happenings of both homeownership and chicken farming, this topic has crossed my mind multiple times a day for the past few months. How can we cope with all of the stressors of life while also taking good care of ourselves? This is a question I also explore every day with clients through my therapy practice and because I believe in doing the work myself to better help those I serve, I personally ponder this frequently.
Here I’ll try to distill down some helpful tips that I’ve learned along the way and hopefully they will prove beneficial for you as well.
Accepting Some Difficult Truths
Here’s a hard truth: we actually can’t “do it all.” Let that sink in for a minute, we can’t do it all. If you need to take a break from reading now to rage against this, I’ll be here when you’re ready to deal with this reality.
So many of us have been conditioned to believe that if we just try hard enough we will be able to do everything that we want and need to do. If we are “good enough” then we will find some magic answer to help us accomplish all things.
However, an important part of taking good care of yourself as a human with limits is truly accepting that you will need help, you will not be able to do everything, and you have limits to what you can produce.
Sidenote: measuring your worth based on how much you accomplish is risky business, often leading to self-loathing, low self-worth and confidence, and the endgame of not enjoying all of the joy and beauty this life has to offer.
So how do you work on accepting your limitations more?
Start with reminding yourself everyday, multiple times a day:
every person needs help
I am like everyone else in that I can’t do it all
asking for help is not weakness, it is a necessity
When you’re ready you can start slowly dipping your toe into the waters of assistance. Maybe you ask your partner to help you out with cooking dinner, or have your kids do more clean up at the end of activities, or let a coworker know that you need some more support. Asking for help is human, we all need to do it and we all need each other.
Prioritize - What’s most important today/this week?
I don’t know how many times I have taken a glance at my on-going to-do list and overwhelmed myself to the brink of panic. When we are trying to take stock of everything all at once it is likely to feel too immense to tackle. This is why I only suggest taking a look at the big picture strategically such as during times when you are planning ahead on purpose, not during times that you need to be checking things off the list. People prone to anxiety, overthinking, overwhelm, and panic attacks are likely not structuring the way they think about tasks that need to get done. When we allow ourselves to make a plan that is reasonable and trust we will do our best, then we can free up space in our minds and calendars to fill with “doing” rather than “worrying”.
Some quick tips to start prioritizing:
Take a couple minutes at the beginning of each day or week to identify what absolutely needs your attention at that time.
Make a mini to-do list for each day or week.
Make sure your mini list is actually reasonable and likely to all be accomplished so you don’t end up feeling defeated later.
Self-Compassion- Cut Yourself Some Slack
The way I conceptualize self-compassion is giving yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would give to your most cherished loved ones. When I talk about this concept with clients I often have them reflect on how they would respond if a friend of theirs was in the same predicament they are in, what would you say, how would you say it, what would you be thinking about their situation. Often we are much harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else and this can lead to unrealistic expectations of ourselves which feeds an incorrect belief that we are not good enough.
Kristen Neff has many wonderful resources on her website including a list of self-compassion exercises to get you started, check them out here: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#exercises
Quick tips for Self-Compassion:
Start to recognize that you are not the only one that struggles with trying to “get it all done,” this is a human issue in our busy world and we are all trying to figure it out.
Tell yourself what you would tell a friend in your situation. Rather than telling yourself, “I can’t believe I didn’t get it done, AGAIN,” try to alter it to something such as, “wow, I’m dealing with so much, it’s no wonder it feels overwhelming, maybe it’s time to find someone to support me in this.”
Find a picture of yourself as a child, one that you like and makes you think about how young and malleable you were. Put it somewhere you will see if often and talk to your picture about your current situation. We would never insult or berate a child for not doing enough, and we shouldn’t do it to ourselves either.
Mini Self-Care Actions Daily
If we are truly going to take better care of ourselves we can’t wait for free time, a long vacation, or for things to calm down, we need to start TODAY! Self-care isn’t just about physical pampering and lounging poolside. Self-care is a mindset we utilize throughout each day to consciously decide what is best for us and then act on that decision. Waiting for time to be able to take care of yourself better is like waiting to exercise until you feel healthier. Broadening our understanding of self-care is crucial to starting to make it a daily reality. While self-care can be a vacation from work it more commonly looks like drinking enough water during the day, taking a minute before your next meeting to close your eyes and nourish yourself with deep cleansing breaths, asking your partner to watch the baby while you take a shower, or finishing work on time so that you can be fully present with your family at bedtime. We always have a choice to do what’s most convenient or what is truly best for us, when we choose ourselves we are engaging in self-care.
Ideas For Mini Self-Care Acts Daily:
Go to the bathroom when you need to, not only when you can find a break in your schedule.
Set boundaries for your meal times, whatever time you have make it only about feeding yourself with the energy you need for the day not about a time to catch up on emails or scrolling on social media.
If you have a free moment ask yourself, “what do I need right now?” Even if you aren’t quite sure how to answer that question yet, prompting yourself to think about it will help your brain start to tap into thinking in this new way. Later you’ll be able to answer with some things like, a cup of tea, a quick walk outside, time in a quiet room alone with my eyes closed, or connection with someone else who understands me.
I hope these tips have resonated with you and that you have a clear path now of how you can start taking care of yourself a little more each day, especially if you are in a time of transition or uncertainty, when we need self-care the most.
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